I will take your pain away

Hmmmm, no Twiztid, but something better!

2005-08-02T04:35:18Z

Ok, after long and hard thoughtful consideration, Phil and I have decided that we're not going to the Twiztid concert this year, we're putting the money towards a weekend getaway in Baltimore, Maryland. I already booked our room, here's some pix of it, the Tudor Room:

http://www.gramercymansion.com/images/ATudor.jpg

http://www.gramercymansion.com/images/Tudor-fireplace2.JPG

http://www.gramercymansion.com/images/Tudor_bathroom.JPG

It costs $275 a night, we'll be leaving here after school on Friday, March 17th, 2006 and coming home on Sunday, March 19th. I'm so excited!!! ^.^

-Spyke-

P.S. I'll still post pictures of my outfit though!

I'm going to see Twiztid!!! ^.^

2005-08-01T21:13:22Z

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I'M GOING TO GET SEE TWIZTID LIVE IN CONCERT ON AUGUST 23RD!!! XxXscreams in excitementXxX It's a fucking dream come true!!! I can't wait!!! I get to go to the concert, then spend the night in Philly with my Phil!!! ^.^

I'm going to wear my short, lowcut, form fitting, black dress with blue skull and crossbones all over it. I custom ordered some 4'x 4' black and blue butterfly wings to go with it. I need to get blue hair dye and blue and black striped stockings then i'm good to go. ^.^ I'll post pictures after the concert!!!

-Spyke-

Survey about me

2005-07-07T05:03:38Z

--FIRSTS--
First best friend: Joyce Bendy, kindergarten, still good friends 12 years later
First car: either a Dodge Spirit or a Jimmy
First date: I don't remember, too long ago...first official, dress up nice, go to dinner & movie date was May 13th 2005
First real kiss: about 3-4 years ago
First screen name: Smiley2000xx
First self purchased CD: Marilyn Manson - Holywood
First pets: hampsters
First piercing/tattoo: ear lobes for my 1st birthday
First musician you remember hearing in your house: either Metallica or AC/DC

--LASTS--
Last cigarette: I believe it was 2 years ago
Last car ride: 2.5 hours ago when Phil took me to WaWa
Last kiss: 2.5 hours ago when Phil kisses me goodbye
Last good cry: pretty recently
Last library book checked out: "the Notebook"
Last movie seen: Kill Bill vol. 1
Last beverage drank: WaWa brand strawberry milk
Last food consumed: meatloaf, cheddar mashed potatoes, mixed vegs.
Last phone call: from Phil...ending in a fight because i didn't feel like talking
Last time showered: last night
Last shoes worn: Phil's Vans
Last cd played: "Riddle Box" - ICP
Last item bought: Inspiron 1200 Notebook from Dell4Me.com
Last annoyance: Phil getting upset because i dont feel like talking on the phone all night long when i have other stuff to do
Last disappointment: there's so many, it's hard to keep them straight
Last shirt worn: baby blue speghetti strap
Last website visited: MySpace.com
Last im: "k cya" to Dan
Last word you said: "I'm hungry"
Last song you sang: "Cemetery Girl" - ICP
What color socks are you wearing?: I'm not wearing any sox
What's under your bed?: a whole lot of shit

--FUTURE--
Where do you want to go?: faw away from here
What is your career going to be?: something in art
Where are you going to live?: not sure yet, for now it's Atco, NJ
How many kids do you want?: not sure, but Phil wants 2, a boy and a girl
What kind of car(s): not sure

--CURRENT--
Current mood: sick, hungry
Current music: Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Current hair: short, faded green
Current clothes: blue speghetti strap shirt, black bondage pants w/ red thread
Current annoyence(s): my ear hurting
Current desktop picture: Twiztid
Current book: "Grendel" - John Gardner
Current color of toenails: blood red
Current hate: meatloaf

--UNIQUE --
1. Nervous Habits? biting the skin off my bottom lip
2. Are you double jointed? no
3. Can you roll your tongue? not entirely
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? sort of
5 Can you blow a spit bubble? no
6. Can you cross your eyes? yes
7. Tattoos? not yet
8. Piercings and where? 4, ears
9. Do you make your bed daily? no

-- CLOTHES --
10. Which shoe goes on first? whatever one i grab first
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? yes lol
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your wallet? depends
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? my earrings
14. Favorite piece of clothing? my MSI hoody

-- FOOD --
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? yes and i dont remember if i liked it or not
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry/vanilla/oreo
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? at the moment 1, Lucky Charms
19. What's your favorite beverage? Iced tea
20. What's your favorite restaurant? I used to think it was the Olive Garden, but i'm not sure anymore
21. Do you cook? yes, even went to school for it

-- GROOMING --
22. How often do you brush your teeth? maybe once a day or something
23. Hair drying method? none
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? yes, alot, since i was 12

-- MANNERS --
25. Do you swear? yes but not eccessively
26. Do you ever spit? sometimes

-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
27. Animal? i love cats
28. Food? tacos
29. Month? March, not too hot, not too cold
30. Day? Saturday
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? not sure
32. Shoe Brand? Vans
33. Subject in school? English, Art
34. Color? green and black
35. Sport? archery and paintball
36. TV show?: Gilmore Girls, Inuyasha

-- IN AND AROUND ROOM --
41. The CD player? just 3 computers in this room
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? Phil
43. Ever taken a cab? no
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? yes, just a bad habit
45. What color is your bedroom? the walls are white under all the posters
46. Do you use an alarm clock? just the one on my cell
47. Window seat or aisle? never flew before

-- LA LA LAND --
48. What's your sleeping position? on my stomach, or on my right side
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? yes, weird, huh?
50. Do you snore? i dont think so
51. Do you sleepwalk? no
52. Do you talk in your sleep? no
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes
54. How about with the light on? i cant sleep with any type of light on, i need to sleep in pitch blackness
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? yes, radio

He makes me want to kill myself...

2005-06-27T21:08:14Z

I have a very serious personal problem that I need to bring up...

On Saturday, Phil and I were arguing in his room and to help calm things down I was going to get up and sit in the livingroom to give us both time to think about things. As I got up he grabbed my leg and I fell, but when I fell my arm landed under the weight of my body onto his throat, I didn't mean it at all, but he thought I did. Within a split second of falling, I found myself pushed off of him, shoved against his bed, and blacking out from his hands and all of his strength around my neck. I broke out in tears, not from his choking, but from the look in his eyes...it terrified me greatly...it was as though he really wanted to kill me.

I've been dealing with this sort of thing for a little while, not nearly as bad. It's usually just grabbing my wrists, slapping my face, he split open my lip once, then there's so much verbal abuse...I fear him greatly.

It never used to be like this at all. We never used to argue and fight all of the time. We used to get along and have almost everything in common. He used to be so sweet and loving to me. He used to make me so happy. I used to like talking to him, now I just try not to say much at all. He's just jealous and really over protective. I'm afraid to break up with him, I've tried to before and he just tells me 'no.' I really fear that if I say we're over and then not take any of his calls and refuse to see him that he'll become a stalker-type, maybe even try to hurt or kill me because of it. I just need to know, Is this something I brought on myself? Did I turn him into this? Can anyone help me make things better?

Please, if you can help me at all, ir you can give me any advice, I'd really appreciate it right now.

Sincerely,
Jess

I WATCHED YOU CHANGE!!!!

2005-06-05T05:15:37Z

Well, alot can happen in such a short time...

Phil was in a car accident and since then, he hasn't been the same, he wasn't injured physically, but mentally he's just damaged goods. I've been desperately trying to deal with it and just take it all in, but at times, it's been extremely difficult. I hope he recovers sooner than later. I love my baby very much and I fear he'll never be the same.

I've come to terms with myself and that I'm not looking as good as I once did. So, this summer I've decided to (literally) work my ass off, as well as the rest of the fat I've found over the past 2 years. With that being said, I've been forced to think about my miscarriage. Even though it was about 8 months ago, it still haunts me. I could have been a mother by now. I'd most likely have had a 3 month old child. I still cry myself to sleep over it, I don't know how I can ever move on and get over this. I'm thinking of getting a membership with Curves for Women, I hear good things about there weight loss programs there. I've also started using new facial products to clear up my face and I've finally found a color for my hair that suits me the best...GREEN!!! I'll hopefully be able to post some pix soon.

My job is still going great, I'm currently looking for a second job, a day job for the summer. Any ideas?

Well, that's my update for now...

-Spyke-

xxmiseryqueenxx @ 2005-05-03T10:55:00

2005-05-03T21:30:54Z

Hmmmm...it's been quite a while since my last update...not that anyone reads this anyway but oh well, it helps for my own therapy...

the reason i haven't updated or even been online in so long is because I've been so busy. I go to 2 schools, plus I have a job now. I've had it for a little while...I'm trying to save up for a car...I can drive, I just don't have a car...it sux...

Phil and I are still going strong...I finally confronted him about his abusive nature though. It was becoming too physical...he even started doing it in public...he nearly broke my wrist last week at the mall... Oh the bright side, however, we decided on a wedding date! March 15th 2008! Our 5 year anniversary ^.^ I hope we can make it...

We decided to not go to prom, we still called out of work anyway and Phil's going to take me to the Olive Garden for dinner (even though he despises italian food) and then we're going to see a movie. I'm hoping he'll agree to just sleep at my house afterwards since we're doing a side job in the morning (roofing).

I narrowed my college search down to 2-3 colleges:
1-2.)Atlantic Cape Community College then transfer to Richard Stockton College after 2 years
3.)The University of Art in Phily

I want to be an interior designer...cooking just wasn't for me...

copy, fill out, post in a comment please!!!

2005-01-12T21:59:51Z

Would you...
() go out with me?
() give me your number?
() kiss me?
() let me kiss you?
() watch a movie with me?
() take me out to dinner?
() drive me somewhere?
() cut some rug with me?
() take a shower with me?
() be my bf/gf?
() have a fling with me?
() listen to me if I called you crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
() buy me a drink?
() take me home for the night?
() let me sleep in your bed?
() sing car karaoke with me?
() sit in the doctor's office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
() give me oral?
() repost this for me to answer your questions?
() give me a piggyback ride?
() come pick me up at 3 AM because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?

DO YOU'S

1. Do you think I'm cute?
2. Do you want to kiss me?
3. Do you want to cuddle with me?
4. Do you want to hook up with me?

ARE WE'S

1. Are we aquaintances?
2. Are we friends?
3. Are we in a relationship?
4. Are we gonna have kids?

AM I'S

1. Am I smart?
2. Am I cute?
3. Am I funny?
4. Am I cool?

HAVE YOU EVER'S

1. Have you ever thought about me?
2. Have you ever thought there might be an "us"?
3. Have you ever thought about hooking up with me?
4. Have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
5. Have you ever wished I were there?

ARE YOU'S

1. Are you done with this survey?
2. Are you happy you know me?
3. Are you mad at me?
4. Are you thinking about me?
5. Are you going to repost this so that I will return the favor?

xxmiseryqueenxx @ 2005-01-12T16:19:00

2005-01-12T21:56:08Z

SECTi0N>1: ABOUT YOU_
+` name: Jessica, Jessy, Spyke, the weird quiet girl who dresses in all black sitting in the back corner of the room...hey she's not bothering anyone so let's throw shit at her and call her a freak! (-_-)
+` gender: bitch!...in the uneducated that apparently means female...go figure...
+` height: 5'4"
+` hair color: i'm not even sure at this point...
+` eye color: emerald green
+` location: Atco, NJ
+` fears: being alone...

SECTi0N>2: HAVE Y0U EVER_
+` peed in your pants: yup
+` cheated on someone: yes...
+` fallen off the bed: yes
+` fallen for a relative: yes...don't even ask and don't you fucking judge me!
+` had plastic surgery: fuck no!
+` failed a grade: No, but almost...2 years in a row i went to summer school...actually, i did fail, i failed 8th grade and instead of going to Hammonton my first year as a freshman, i was supposed to go back to 8th grade, but Hammonton gave me a break and moved me up to 9th.
+` broken someones heart: Yes, i never meant to though...i'm sorry...
+` had your heart broken: too many times to be counted...i wonder why i have a problem trusting people?! o.0?
+` done something you regret: "I am able to change, so I live without regret...without remorse"
+` cheated on a test: of course
+` broken a body part: no

SECTi0N>3: CURRENTLY_
+` wearing: knee-hi black patent 6" go-go boots...black fishnet thigh-hi's...black fishnet g-string...black vinyl corset...black spiked slave collar...slaves cuffs equiped with chains and padlocks...leather ball gag...black cloth blindfold...completely chained up to a table just waiting for her master to come and...XxXinsert really detailed kinky sex thoughts hereXxX
+` listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence
+` chewing: my tongue
+` feeling: horny...submissive...
+` located: anywhere you want me to be...^_~
+` chatting with: you...
+` watching: kinky vampire porn
+` should really be: doing laundry...

SECTi0N>4: D0 Y0U_
+` brush your teeth: Yes
+` like anybody: no, but i love my Phil very much
+` have any piercings: 3 holes in my right ear and 1 in my left
+` drive: not yet...
+` believe in Santa: no
+` ever get off the PC: of course, i can't always have wild hot kinky sex AND stay on the computer at the same time...what do you think i am? talented?

SECTi0N>6: THE LAST PERS0N Y0U_
+` hugged: Phil
+` gave eprops to: Peachy
+` IMed: Phil
+` talked to on the phone: Phil
+` yelled at: Phil
+` fell in love with: Phil

SECTi0N>7: PERS0NAL_
+` what do you want to be when you grow up?: I'm currently studying to be a chef and an interior designer
+` what was the worst day of your life?: ...i do not wish to repeat it...
+` most embarrassing story: i don't care what people think therefore it's kind of hard to get embarrassed
+` the best day of your life?: March 15th, 2003...the day my love returned to me...now i shall never be alone again ^.^
+` what comes first in your life?: my beloved Phil
+` do you have a bf/gf /crush?: yes, of course
+` if you had an extra set of eyes, where would you put them?: right next to Phil's eyes just because i'm so insecure that i need to know and be able to see everything he does...i always fear that he's going to leave me for someone so much better than me...i'm too fucked up and insecure...why would anyone want to be with me?
+` what do you usually think about before you go to bed?: suicide...

SECTi0N>8: FAV0RiTE_
+` movie: The Crow (all three) and the Nightmare Before X-mas
+` song: at the moment: "Only Hero" - Slaves on Dope...."Vermillion pt. 2" - Slipknot...just because they have very special meanings to me
+` store: thrift stores
+` relative: i don't know...
+` sport: hockey and paintball i suppose
+` vacation spot: i've never been on a vacation before so i don't know...
+` ice cream flavor: anything full of chocolate
+` fruit: strawberry
+` candy: reese's peanut butter cups
+` holiday: ???
+` day of the week: Saturday, i get to be with Phil
+` colors: blood red and black

SECTi0N>9: D0 Y0U_
+` like to give hugs: only to certain people
+` like to walk in the rain: no...i LOVE it...one day i want to have sex in the pouring rain
+` sleep with or without clothes on: usually without
+` blue or black pens: green
+` dress up for halloween: not really
+` have a job: Not currently...still searching though!
+` like to travel: i would like to if i could
+` sleep on side, stomach, or back: either my left side or my stomach
+` think you're attractive: no, not really...alot of people tell me i am, but i just don't see it, i'm so sickly looking...i look like i'm a fucking corpse...
+` want to marry: yes!!!
+` have a goldfish: no
+` have stuffed animals: An entire lifetime of teddy bears filling a huge shelf in my room
+` go on vacation: never...

SECTi0N>10: 0THER QUESTi0NS_
+` do you go to church?: no
+` do you like church?: I love the architecture and design in old renaissance Churches, but nothing else
+` why or why not?: "I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist!"
+` what's your favorite kind of tree?: either a Yew tree or a Cypress tree because when used in a cemetery they mean/represent deep mourning
+` out of all your friends who has the coolest room? Phil, his bed is very comfortable and his entire house is my home, it's the only place i'll ever call my home

My prom dress!!!

2004-12-31T04:55:02Z

Do you like it? not too bad for $113 off eBay, huh?

-Spyke-

...and the stealing continues...

2004-11-12T01:16:17Z

YELLOW

You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Earth. You're a typical case of 'the more, the
better'. Collecting is your strong point, but
listening too. You will not easily show
emotions, but will try to help, as long as you
get something back for it in the future, but
either it be friendship or a gift, that doesn't
matter to you.

What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a Vampire. Vampires were the creatures of
the night that were believed to live off of
human blood. Count Dracula, being the most
famous vampire, set the stereotype. They had
dark hair and pale skin from being away from
the sunlight. If they actually existed, it's
very possible they had the skin disease that
made you allergic to the sun so whenever the
sunlight would hit it, it would hurt like
crazy. They were usually snobbish and control
freaks and kept werewolves as pets. (If you
cannot see the picture, go to my userpage and
look near the bottom. There should be the
picture and description for all the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm depressed

why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
brought to you by Quizilla

are they trying to tell my something?

2004-11-10T00:55:05Z

wow i take this test every couple years...everytime the results end up the same, only worse...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

2004-11-07T05:25:50Z

I don't know what to say...I mean, I'm completely speechless and I don't even know why.

Tonight I cooked dinner...chicken with cheese tortellini in alfredo sauce and broccoli with cheddar cheese sauce...I had to cook, clear and set the table, and then clean up and do dishes after dinner. I'm glad Phil was there for me. Usually I have to do all of the on my own...I never get a "thanx that was great" or even just a "thanx"...XxXsighsXxX...most of the time it's just XxXcomes into dining room, makes plate, goes back into game room or whatever room they were inXxX...then on top of everything I must do, now I must eat alone as well.

I keep telling myself...only 1 year and 3 months to go...

more depressing news: I miss Dan, I haven't had the chance to talk to him much lately. He's always getting kicke offline, or signing offline and it takes forever for him to come back on and when he does, I'm usually off by then...

I believe that I must be going insane. I keep hearing weird sounds and whispers everywhere I go...I'm even seeing figures in the shadows...I swear that somebody is watching me constantly...I can't explain it...

I think it's amazing how I can just wake up, wear no make up, not even brush my hair, and throw on a hoody and a pain of pants and have Phil look me in the eyes and still be able to say that I'm beautiful...I have a hard time believing that I am sometimes. I can be extremely insecure at times, but at other times I have complete confidence...it's weird.

I want jello...XxXgets up...goes to get jelloXxX...well i'm off to go draw and design more interiors...

xxmiseryqueenxx @ 2004-11-05T19:26:00

2004-11-06T00:28:50Z

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

She's a killer! She's a thriller! Spookshow Baby!

2004-10-26T22:00:49Z

...I have returned...I missed writing...

inspiration was all that was needed.

I've been so miserable lately, so torn.

I feel like I've been ripped into to separate halves.

Jewel - Foolish Games

"In case you failed to notice...
In case you failed to see...
This is my heart BLEEDING BEFORE YOU!
This is me down on my knees!

And these foolish games are tearing me,
they're tearing me,
you're tearing me apart!!!"

Which concept are you?

2004-07-07T22:43:39Z

Which Concept Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

17

2004-06-27T22:21:35Z

yesterday i went to Dorney Park with Phil and his family. Me and him rode the Thunderhawk(a wooden roller coaster) 17 times. We rode a few other thrill rides and got headaches and stuff. I almost passed out from the heat. Nothing new. I fell asleep in the car on the way home. Then we got back to his house, I ate pizza and drank iced tea while we talked to Justin, Luke, and Goat(dont ask) about stuff that I was too tired to remember. Except I remember them talking about aminal cruelty (XxXevil lookXxX) oh well. Me and Phil went and layed down in his room for awhile. I fell asleep...but...so did he. His parents woke us up in the morning, he went out into the living room...I hope he doesan't get in too much trouble because of it. I slept in his bed for 5 more hours and got up at 11. We ate muffins and he got a shower. Then I ate lunch and we watched Hackers. Then later we ate dinner and now here we are, down in the computer room because we're bored. That's all of an update I have for now.

hold on...

2004-04-26T02:16:09Z

Phil and I went to my Aunt Fran's surprise 60th birthday party. it was fun! ^.^

poor Phil got attacked by my aunt though ^.^; lol

then the impossible happened...Phil asked me to dance with him...then...we did ^.^ it was sooooo wonderful. we slow danced to 2 songs! >.< yay!!!

the best part of today was when me and Phil went outside and i told him what i've been wanting to tell him all week...
I asked him to marry me...and...he said...YES!!! >.<
it made me soooooooo happy ^.^ i was so nervous.

we wanted to play pool, but oh well. atleast he got to play one game.

after the party we went to Murphy's to pick me up an application. i'm going to be busy this summer. babysitting in the mornings and working in the afternoons to night.

i won't look prettier if i smile for the picture (part 2)

2004-04-25T17:48:12Z

this is me just sitting in the sun, being bored lol.

this is me just laying down, being bored. i'm not too fond of the way i look in this pic, but o well.

awwww...how cute?! *^.^* XxXmeowXxX

this is my favorite pic of me ^.^

this is me...in the shower...fully clothed (sorry) ^_~

this is me touching myself...nuff said..

this is me touching myself again...need i say more?

this is me and Toniann messing around lol.

and this is me and Tiff just messing around ^.^

I won't look prettier if I smile for the picture

2004-04-24T14:00:48Z

this is me and my wife Tiffany just messing around, isn't Tiffany so cute? ^.^ ...that's Sam all the way on the left.

this is just me standing there being bored.

this is me being weird...look at my face turns red and the blood rushes to my head ^.^ lol.

lol this is Tiffany being funny, I didn't even know she did it until i looked at the picture ^.^ Tiff's so silly.

just another pic of my being bored.

more pix will be posted as soon as Anthony sends them to me, he only sent me these 5 last night XxXshakes headXxX

I MISS YOU!!! *<:o( i'm just a stupid girl...

2004-04-19T16:08:57Z

i think i'm breaking...i'm falling apart...i regret what i did...XxXcries hystericallyXxX

i couldn't bring myself to get out of bed this morning...i didn't dare go to skool...i couldn't face everyone...i sat home and read my books, listened to music, and tried to cook...after i finished reading my books, i just started crying again...i can't live like this...

it makes me sad to sit and think...my mind rips itself into a million pieces...my heart destroys itself over and over...i need to be with him, he was my glue...he made my broken heart whole and kept it whole...even though he holds my heart still, i feel it breaking in his grasp...

i tried to sleep last night but couldn't...i haven't been able to eat, i threw up what i ate yesterday...i'm nothing without him...XxXbreaks down into tearsXxX i couldn't even cook an omlet today, i'm a failure, how the hell did i manage to destroy an omlet?! i can't cook anymore, i have no future now...what am i supposed to do?!?!

somebody help me...please...

Song of the Day:
"I Miss You" - Blink 182

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you I miss you)
(I miss you I miss you)

Where are you? and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stare I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

My theme song:
"Stupid Girl" - Cold

Wanna love ya
Wanna bug ya
Wanna squeeze ya
Stupid girl

Wanna touch ya,
Wanna take ya,
Wanna shut ya,
Stupid girl.

I can't take this,
Born to break this.

She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

I'm a loner,
I'm a loser,
I'm a winner,
In my mind.

I'm a bad one,
I'm a good one,
I'm a sick one,
With a smile.

I can't take this,
Born to break this.

She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

[acoustic break]
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

(whoa)

She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
She's going away,
(She's going away)
What's wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

please do this for me ^.^ XxXbegsXxX ( <--- not really)

2004-04-17T16:56:01Z

Ask me three questions. Anything you ever wanted to know. Really.

It can be silly, serious, about me or about anything but. I'll answer.

Afterward, go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including me!) to ask you anything.

the update:

2004-04-14T15:09:32Z

i havent really updated in a while so here it goes:

things have been mixed lately, things with me and PHil are getting better, things with Debbie(my step'mom') are extremely worse, and my health is bad.

The update on Phil: everybody knows that we both have very bad tempers and how i used to be able to control mine, but now that Phil is learning to control his, i seem to be losing control. we're helping each other now because we both want this to work out. on Saturday we went to his house and we watched 'Gothika' (good movie ^.^), Sunday we went out to brunch with my family then to my grandfathers and then to my mother's for dinner, things could've been worse...and yesterday i got to see my beloved again, we went to the mall so i could go clothes shopping (i hate shopping, but i needed to go). Then we went back to his house and just hung out and relaxed.

when i got home things were ok until i decided to go to bed because i didnt feel too good...

The update on Debbie: you all know and hate Debbie so i wont waste too much time on her...i went to bed because i was tired and didnt feel like doing the dishes. Debbie comes into my room and tells me to go do them. We argued, i told her i didnt feel good and id do them as soon as i woke up in the morning. She kept yelling at me, i yelled back, then she took my cell phone from me and left. I stated to go to sleep...she comes back in like 10mins later...starts it all over again, yelling at me to do dishes...so i started yelling back, while i was on my way out to the kitchen. i started putting the dry dishes away...she comes into the kitchen and yells at me some more, telling me to lose my attitude, so i yelled back that the only reason i had one was because she dragged me out of bed. We started screaming at each other...she got in my face...i looked her straight in the eyes...she kept threatening to hit me...then...she did...right in the face, then she pushed me backwards...my dad was standing there watching without her knowing and came in and pushed her into the counter...as she ran into her room she screamed for me to go live with Karen...to make this long story straight: they argued in their room, i did dishes, then the outcome was that me and Debbie will have to live in the same house but we cant talk to each other or have anything to do with each other...

The update on my health: i have a stomach virus, ive been throwing up all night, it hurts so bad, but its alot better now, but since i havent eaten or had anything to drink, im weak and dehydrated...i have a newfound love for my beloved Phil, he sat on the phone with me for 2 hours while i was crying and throwing up and i was just a complete mess...thank you, my love, you really helped me out alot ^.^

i saw a few people with this on DJ, but i decided to take this one from Amy

2004-04-10T18:57:41Z

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "That kind of future feels so...empty. What if I kill myself?" - Confidential Confessions 1

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? a framed picture of Marilyn Manson

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV? Chobits episode 5 on Tuesday (i think)

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 2:30ish

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 2:32

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Dave Navarro

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing? like 10 mins ago, i went to the auction

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at? my email

9: What are you wearing? Phil's black cut off pants with blue thread, black and red striped thigh highs, a black spike collar with 3 rings, and a black low-cut tank top that has a completely fishnetted back

10: Did you dream last night? What about? my beloved Phil and I at some place for some reason, i don't remember it too clearly

11: When did you last laugh? last night, Joyce made me laugh with her retarted unborn babies ^.^

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? completed puzzles, pictures of my friends, the notes my friends wrote and duct taped to my walls under my pictures on my birthday ^.^ and framed pictures of some bands

13: Seen anything weird lately? yes, when i looked into a mirror

14: What do you think of this quiz? it's kool

15: What is the last film you saw? The Crow >.< XxXscreams for joyXxX

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? nothing, i'd either give it all to Phil or just buy him everything he could possibly want...clothes, a car, new paintball guns and stuff, and our dream house with everything that we talked about having, in it

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: if i told you that, then you'd know it ^_~

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? i just want to make everyone happy...

19: Do you like to dance? yes, but only when i'm in a dancing mood, but no one wants to dance with me XxXsad lookXxX

20: George Bush: growls and snarls

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? either Sibyl(greek mythological name), Leila(Arabic for "darkness, night"), Lilith(comes from Lily - "an English flower"), or Lizaveta(Hebrew for "promise to god")

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? either Lucien(French for "light"), Pierre(Greek for "rock"), Miles(Latin for "soldier"), or Philander(Greek for "all loving")

22: Would you ever consider living abroad? yes, because once I get my restraunt up and running I'd like to eventually have more than one and I'd have to move around, but I'd stay in the same relative area, but once I get married and settled down than I won't be able to

dedicated to my beloved:

2004-04-10T18:10:21Z

"The Reason" - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

stolen from Trista who stole it from Trisha

2004-04-06T22:52:54Z

The Boyfriend Survey

His name: Philip Dale Slutter

His age: 16

How many months are u apart: 5 days, not months, but 6 days on leap years ^_~ (i'm older) lol

How long have you been together: 1 year, 3 weeks, 1 day...some hours, minutes, and seconds...

How Long did you know each other before you got together?: um, well (this is a long story...)we talked online for a few months, then we met in person and then went out for about 4 months i think, then broke up for alittle over 7 months, and now we've been together for (see above ^)

What physical feature attracted you to him first?: the moment i first looked into his eyes...i was trapped, his eyes had just ripped my heart from my chest and kept it ever since...

Eye color: beautiful captivating saphire blue eyes

Hair color: Brown...but he wants to dye it black with red tips

Hair style: Straight, with a bunch of braids in the front now (which i have to redo this weekend for him) to keep the hair out of his eyes ^.^ lol

Normal Outfit: pants, shirt, shoes lol

How did you meet: well to make a long story short...back in like 7th grade i met Amy, Amy was very good friends with Phil, Amy gave Phil my screenname, we talked...we fell in love...the pieces just fit...

RELATIONSHIP STUFF

How serious is it: more then you'll ever know

Do you love him: with all of my heart, more than anything and everything is this dying world, more than i'll ever know, more than you'll ever know, more than he or anyone else will ever know...

Does he love you: yes, of course he loves me ^.^

Do your parent(s) like him: yes, but they always complain about how they don't really know anything about him and that he's too quiet

Do you trust him: yes, i've had so many reasons not to, but i do, sometimes i wonder if i should or not, but in the end i always do, i honestly and truely trust him

Would you share a toothbrush with him: of course, y wouldnt i? 0.o

Does he let you wear his pants: yup, i just wore a pair of his pants yesterday ^.^ he wears my pants too >.<

Do you have a shirt of his to sleep in that smells like him: i have his hoodie...lol ive had it for a long time...it doesnt smell like him anymore, but yet, i cant sleep without it

Do you like the way he smells: yes i surely do! especially his hair, ask him, he gets annoyed whenever i start to smell his hair because ill sit there and ill smell his hair then be like 'your hair smells realy good' ^.^

Can you picture having kids with him: yes, but it would have to be 10 years from now, after college, after i own my own restraunt and im working and settled down, and we're married

What do you like the most about him: the way his hair smells, the little things he does to show that he cares and that he loves me, the big things he does to show that he cares and that he loves me, the way he holds me in his arms, the way i feel when i look into his eyes, the fact that he loves me, the warmth of his body when we're making love...i just love everything, i love his flaws because they make his personality what it is...i just love him for him

What bothers you the most about him: the way he allows his emotions to control him, especially his short temper and i really hate when he gets in those 'i dont care' moods...but we're currently working to fix all of that and make things better...and even despite how much it bothers me, i still do like it because his flaws make him...him...i don't really want him to change at all, but i think in this case, things need to get better

Does he have a temper: yes, but so do i, but we're both working on our tempers

What did you give him for the last gift giving occasion: well for x-mas i bought him a PS2, i have to wait another week or so to order his birthday gift (yes, his birthday was a month ago) since they won't be available until another week

What did he get you: i'm not even going to go there because i think i get too much, i feel spoiled lol

What is the best present he's ever given you: besides his love...i'd definitely have to say my Crow ring... >.< i love it sooooooooooooooooooooo much, i keep it on a cord around my neck so that i dont have to keep taking it off (im left handed, it hurts when i write) so yea i keep it around my neck and never take it off

Does he have a cute nickname for you: um...not really, unless im just oblivious to it

Do you have a nickname for him: my love, my beloved...i dont know, i guess they count

Are you happy to be with him: yes, i really am, i know it doesn't always seem like it...but i love being with him, even though i'm sad on the outside, a part of me is always happy on the inside just because i'm with him

Do you think you could do better: probably, but y would i want to? i love my Phil very much, even if i did meet someone better, i wouldn't really notice because i have the one i want

Does he embarrass you in public: it's hard to get embarrassed when you don't care what people think

Whats his most attractive feature: his captivating eyes

Does he smoke or do drugs?: no and i really admire that quality about him

SOME OTHER STUFF

Does he have any peircings?: yes, 3 (i think) holes in his ear, for now

Does he have any scars that you know of?: yes, but i like them...let's me know i'm not the only scarred and flawed one...

Is he a Party boy or Stay at home?: possibly both, but more of a stay at home type...like me

Is he Outgoing or Shy?: if you just met him, he'd seem like the shy type, but once you got to know him then you'd know he can get to be pretty outgoing

Does he love his mama?: yes, he's closer to his mom than he is his dad, just like i'm closer to my dad than either of my 'moms'

DATING STYLE

Does he pay for dates: we don't really go on 'dates'

Call you hunny, sweetie, or baby: lol yes >.<

Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends: most of my friends have become his friends, so yea

Would he hang out with you and HIS friends: yea

DOES HE...

play Football: not for a team or anything, but i think he plays (or used to play) with his friends

play Baseball: he used to play on a team when he was a kid, but not anymore

play Basketball: no

play Soccer: no

play Wrestling: sort of, he doesn't play wrestling or anything he just likes to wrestle

play Lacrosse: don't think so

play Water Polo: XxXsarcasmXxX o yes, everyday...it's his absolute favorite thing to do

Swim: yea, during the summer

Surf: no

Skateboard: no

Sing: he tries to sometimes lol j/k

Think Justin Timberlake is gay: who doesn't?

Call Other Guys: yea, they're called friends

Use the word dude: not really, but i do

Use the word tight: sometimes, depends on the topic